Tag Archives: negotiate

Politics and Marriage: Expectations and Renegotiation

renegotiate

OK, I know you’re asking “Why in the world would he put those two subjects together – especially now when we are just post election? ” Well, to answer your question, we are also just post (another) premarrieds class and it got me thinking.

There is all this campaigning that goes on prior to “the big event”. A lot of promises get made that honest candidates hope they can fulfill. But the truth is that many of them really don’t know what is actually possible until they step into the job. I think that may also be true of couples that get married. They might believe they can deliver on their pre-marriage promises or agreements, but once they get into the pace of marriage, especially when kids are in the picture, it might be a real challenge.

Engaged she says: “I’ll probably want sex 4 or 5 times a week.”

Married with 2 kids she says: “Tonight? Are you kidding me?”

Engaged he says: “I intend to share the housework evenly.”

Married with a stressful job he says: “I need to relax. You don’t realize how hard I work all day.”

It’s at this point that a lot of spouses feel betrayed, or at least disappointed. I want to reassure you that this is normal. This is idealism giving way to reality. So what should a husband or wife do?

Renegotiate

If you have ever been through the process of buying a house or running a business you will understand the need to leave certain aspects open to renegotiation. There are circumstances that you cannot know until you experience or discover them. The parties involved must believe that they are getting a fair deal. Marriage is no different.

Some people have a really hard time with compromise, but along with forgiveness, it is the secret to a great marriage. I, of course, am not talking about moral compromise, but the day-to-day adjustments that have to be made in order to maintain a marriage’s equilibrium. As is often said, if you cannot bend, you will break.

The key to being able to compromise is developing empathy for the other person. Do you seek to understand, or only to be understood? Can you see a situation from their perspective as well as your own? I know it’s hard, sometimes really hard and “unfair”.

Your spouse never held the “office” of being married to you before saying “I do”. If you can remember that then maybe you can forgive some of those broken campaign promises.

Proverbs 3:13 Joyful is the person who finds wisdom, the one who gains understanding.